Ode to the Masseuse

Today, I went to have a massage.

Now if you have ever had a professional massage, you know the basic drill. There is the initial awkward introduction with your masseuse where he/she does the mini-interview to try and find out just what kinks need to be worked out etc. etc...

I guess this is where my whole experience started to go down hill. When asked why I was having the massage, I simply replied "I guess my husband thinks I needed one, maybe I'd come home a little less bitchy." Now this was my attempt at humor, but the dead silence followed by a refusal to make eye-contact with me implied it may have crossed his comfort zone.

So now we have moved on to the disrobing phase where masseuse kindly exits so that you can undress quickly and hide under the blanket. So there I am laying face down getting lost in my own thoughts. The music playing seems to be of Asian influence, and I start to notice that I can hear the clock tick, tick, ticking in the background. Just as this starts to annoy me, I ponder whether this thunderous ticking is actually intentional. Maybe it is supposed to help create the ambiance of solitude or whatever crap you want to make up.

So I'm o.k. with the ticking now but I have realized that I am completely nude under this blanket. It has been well over 3 years since my last massage and the details are a bit foggy. I start to think if I always got a massage nude or whether I was supposed to keep my undergarments on. Well the panic has initiated, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because I spent way too much time rationalizing the tick, tick, ticking and now if I got up to add a couple of articles of clothing it would probably be at the choice moment that the masseuse re-enters the room.

Alas, the polite knock followed by entrance of the masseuse. He says something like, this should be relaxing blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. At this moment I am grateful that I am face down and I start to think that this is also intentional. I suppose all massages start with the client face down so that neither one of you has to feel obligated to make trivial conversation.

So I hear the lotion being squirted from the bottle, I guess it's a bottle....where is the lotion??. I can't get it out of my head to figure out where he is getting the lotion from. I surmise that it must be attached to some belt or something much like a holster and I smile at this. I picture this guy getting ready for work. He puts on his holster and heads out the door...anyway.

This is where things start to get interesting because my particular masseuse has some original moves that he is about to bust out with. I have named each of these "techniques" and hope that my description of each will do them justice.....

1. "The Introduction" (1 star)
Nothing fancy here. Your basic rub of the key areas including the upper shoulder, neck and arms. Anyone who has dated anyone has gotten this massage, but lets be fair and remember this is the introduction. We are getting to know one another...

2. "Draw and Quarter" (1 star)
Yes, I said draw and quarter. This is done one arm at a time. After said arm is wrung as if it were a towel holding 3 gallons of water, it is slowly and more forcefully tugged away from your body. You don't typically lose the arm, but there may be some casualties out there who have from this move. *note: This technique repeats once the legs come into play

3. "The karate chop" (3 stars)
Don't lose your pants on the rating. This one only receives more stars on the account that I had to work really hard and not laugh when it began. Basically, I got karate chopped anywhere from my ass to my back up to my wrists.

4. "Draw and Quarter" (1 star) followed by "Digitalis Remove-us" (1/2 star)
See #2. Now the Digitalis Remove-us is interesting. I have linked it with the draw and quarter because they are so similar in nature, and I guess that is why he performs them one after the other. Each digit, or toe, is also pulled slowly and more forcefully away from the body. Amazingly, popping of the digits does not cause this move to be terminated...

5. "The Claw" (3/4 star)
Ever been to the hair salon and asked to have your hair shampooed? You know how you find yourself straining your neck so that you don't have to bear the edge of the sink at the base of your neck? Well draw on that memory so that you can relate here. At this point, I have flipped over and he is cupping, if you will, my head in his hands. I am instructed to let the weight of my head fall into his hands. I would gladly do that if he would kindly cut his fingernails which are digging into my flesh.

6. "The Indian Burn" (-2 stars)
Yeah, we all did it as kids. You basically rub in opposing directions any area of flesh until it is so raw, you want to scream. This is done at the temples, the base of the neck and the forehead. Where is your damn holster Mr. masseuse, because I could use some of that lotion right about now!

7. "The Criss-Cross" (2 stars)
This move is performed by taking the right arm and pulling to the left side of the body (or vice versa). Way to the left side of the body. This is when I fell off of the table. O.k. , I didn't fall off of the table, but the sensation was uncanny in reality, thus the 2 stars.

8. "El Fin" (0 star)
This one is awesome. It is a sigh, followed by "We're through." Exit masseuse.
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