The Twins

It's not a phrase that frequents my vocabulary. In fact, I made it a point to not recognize them as "the twins". I wanted them to be their own individuals- not one incomplete without the other. I often refer to them as "the babies".
I don't know how that would be different from "the twins", but roll with me..


I was just thinking tonight,



twins. I have twins. I am one of very few fortunate to have twins. Two healthy boys. Two boys who made it. Didn't want to come out in fact. My doctor had to recommend inducing, because after 37 1/2 weeks with twins, it's just risky.



I've never told this story, but I want to before I forget.



Having twins was indescribable. The hospital stay was madness. Not only did I have the nurse coming in every hour or so to check vital signs or what not, but I also had to (attempt) to breastfeed two babies. I didn't know which baby was which for the greater part of my stay in the hospital. They were together in that little station they plant the babies in with a note card just behind their heads that said baby A or baby B. And before I picked one up, I had to check which one it was that I had.



On June 21st, we officially gave birth to Homer and Sergio. What? you are asking. Let me explain...

I wanted to name one of the twins after my father, Homero Olivo Aguilar. Sebastian wanted the other to be named Gabriel.

When I was about 3 months pregnant we moved from South Austin to Round Rock and we didn't know (at that time) that I was pregnant with twins. One of our neighbors was also pregnant and had intended to name her baby Gabriel if it was a boy.

She was due for an ultrasound to determine the baby's gender the day I gave birth. Gabriel was originally named Sergio Juan Aguilar-Vega. Sebastian went home to tend to the dog and Sebi and found out that our neighbor was having a girl and came back to the hospital requesting a name change.



So, Sergio became Gabriel. And I can't imagine another name for him.



My mom stayed with me for 10 days after I gave birth. I was exhausted. I had little to no sleep, and I was mad at her for always wanting to hold one of the babies- because I knew when she left I wouldn't be able to do that, and I was afraid of how they would take things. I'm sorry mom.



The day my dad came to pick up my mom, I cried as she left and I told her I didn't know how I was going to make it on my own. but, I did.



It was hard. Very hard. I hardly slept, if I did at all. I would nod off in the middle of the day just sitting and breastfeeding. And that is all I did for about 4 months. It was a rotation of breastfeeding one and then the other and then holding Sebi. Sebastian was student teaching and volunteer coaching- so he would leave early in the morning and get home just as I was bathing the twins and getting them to bed.



I wasn't producing enough milk. The babies were starving. I tried every remedy out there to increase my milk production and it just wasn't working. Not only were they not getting nutrition from me, but I was losing weight like crazy from feeding them round the clock. I remember being hungry- all. the. time. My stomach growled like I hadn't ate IN DAYS. I had to eat every hour to keep up with the demands of feeding two babies, and I was sooo skinny. I look back at pictures of myself when I was breastfeeding, and I can't believe how little I was. They really drained me. I had to eat frequently; I needed to. My stomach would ache for food. It was something I had never expected. I had to package small snacks/meals in the refrigerator to have throughout the night. Because if I wasn't breastfeeding, I had to get up to eat. It was a constant feeling of extreme hunger that I will never forget.



I finally gave in to formula because I was exhausted and couldn't place day from night or night from day or left from right or Homer from Gabriel. And I had Sebi to remember also. I needed help, and Sebastian couldn't breastfeed and I was exhausted. Completely exhausted. I had all this guilt that the babies were taking up so much of my time, so when they WERE sleeping, I would take Sebi out to play. I was running on fumes. Literally.

My Gabriel became my sweet, sweet Gabriel. My Homer was my handsome prince (and later became our Pudge). I had spent so much time worrying about how I would distinguish and love them both equally, and somehow separately, and it just happened. they are two completely different boys. completely.

I was asked by an old high school friend (who is a new father) how I could possibly love all of them so much. He expressed how he loved his new baby girl so much and couldn't understand how that could happen three times over.

I remember thinking that my heart grew. It grew and grew and grew, until there was enough love (and even a little extra) for all three.

(Drennons et al. A Fish Tale, 2006)

Hello Friends

I don't know that anyone will read this, because I have been absent for so long now.

But, y'all.

You have no idea the things that have been going on in my little world. No. idea.

for starters,

• I have been throwing my husband into the fire. The fire of a world I like to call....SURVIVAL. I have held off on cooking dinner once or twice a week. When he finally gets hungry enough, he has been cooking. Granted, it has been burgers. Previously shaped and individually packaged burgers. But it's progress. Unbeknownst to him, I'm trying to prpare him for the nights when I may not have time to cook for him or the kids- because I may be up to my neck in homework, or involved with a study group, or who knows what. I like to prepare. I'm a preparer. SpaceBalls would tell me to just go. But I can't hit ludicrous speed without preparing.
• oh, the job hunt. It is a long, harsh road. Applications. Resumes. I hadn't done a resume since 1999. cover letter-schmother letter. That's all I've got to say about that. How about, I'm awesome. You need me. I need you. Let's talk.
• Long story short. I need a CNA position. You have to take a course to become a CNA. The course costs 500 dollars. Somehow, the people that run Nurse Aide Training of Austin have offered to sponsor me, and I get to take the course for free. I start next Monday.
• Remember the program that I have been trying to get into that pays for school and books and uniforms and stethoscopes and child care and so much more if/and/when/ needed? They have decided to enroll me for the fall. The director sat down with me and told me that they were not funding Williamson County (where I live in Round Rock), only Travis County (in Austin).....But,

they were making an exception for me. I was told that if I talked with other people in my area to make it very clear that they did not have funding for Williamson County. they were making an exception for me.

May I just say, God is good.

All the time.

It's Happening. Tonight.

Once in a blue moon, Sebastian & I go to the movies. He loves going to the movies. Me, not so much. I can't talk or excuse myself to the ladies room with the convenience of a pause button, and I have to pay RIDICULOUS amounts of money in order to lose those privileges.

Sometimes, I fall asleep. In hindsight, I have payed to sleep. Nice.

Anyhoo, Sunday is Sebastian's 30th birthday and he asked his parents to come by after we got the kids to bed so we could go to a movie. Did I mention that he L-O-V-E-S to go to the movies? He's all set. I found some site up on the computer called Fandango, where he has apparently already purchased the tickets. What the heck is a Fandango anyway? Wait. Let me be intuitive and answer that one myself. It must be a site where you can buy movie tickets.

.....

We are going to see The Happening. I have read some reviews and the future doesn't look so bright- for neither the movie nor me. But Sebastian is a fan of M. Night Shyamalan. He also loves to ask me "who is the guy that made The Sixth Sense?", because I always respond,

"Homminuh Shomminuh"


I would love to stay home and watch my calla lillies grow. because they are literally growing right before my eyes!...two of them, anyway. But, I'm gonna look on the bright side and consider that I may have a nap penciled in around 9:45 tonight.

After all, sleep is priceless.

Randomness

I haven't seen y'all in awhile. Not by choice, mind you. Our mouse to the computer is hanging on it's last leg and it only works if you twist the cord (my remedy), or blow on it (Sebastian's). There is obviously no rhyme or reason to our logic.

Also it's very frustrating to read a message from Microsoft that pops up saying,

"USB device not recognized. One of the USB devices attached to this computer has malfunctioned, and Windows does not recognize it. For assistance in solving this problem, click this message."

I can't click on this message, because the particular USB device which you are referencing happens to be the mouse.

Nice, huh?

So here's what's been going on in our neck of the woods:

• Tomorrow morning, we are visiting one of the prospective daycares I have found. I am predicting that I will cry at some point.
• Remember the Calla Lillies that I planted??? I check that area of soil daily. Several times. As soon as I get up in the morning. Throughout the day, and before I go to bed. Early this evening, I was doing my inspection and I SAW SOMETHING. not just anything, mind you. I have growth. thank you very much. I am quite pleased. I'll be taking pictures and will post them when it's all grown and off to college, or in someone's wedding.
• Gabriel is an interactive child. He sings all the songs to the shows that he watches and he loves to announce "A clue! A clue!" during Blue's Clues. I think it is adorable.
• Homer has a sweet tooth. He asks for an opsicle many times a day and throws a fit if you don't give him one. He also loves chocolate. and pretty much anything sweet. That apple didn't fall far. It may very well still be attached to this tree...
• Sebi is in robot world and loves to build robots with his Lego's. Lego's are by far his favorite toy. EVERY night, we build something. Usually a robot. But tonight, we built a space station. He had a special area where I could fly my ship in and fill up my tank with gas. His prices were competitive but he's mine, so I gave him my business.

only half a tank. We're on a budget ;-)

Becky Wonka & Her Chocolate Factory

Just on a side note- every time I write/type chocolate, I have to say it in Spanish in my head to get the spelling right. It's one of those weird little quirks I have. Along with being obsessed with getting as many popcorn kernels to pop as I possibly can without burning the popcorn. Or trying to stab a crouton with my fork and not break it....anyone have some of those?

but back to where I started.

You know that scene in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory -and I am NOT talking about the version that Johnny Depp did (although I will say it was an interesting take on the original, but it's like holding a fake boob vs. a real one. you just know it's not quite the same. not that I have ever held a fake boob. or a real one. only checked for lumps.) I really am just straying here...

back to where I started. the scene in Charlie and The Chocolate (did it again) Factory where they are about to get on that boat in the chocolate (again) river and then everything goes all crazy and he starts talking faster and faster with the "is it raining? is it pouring? is the hurricane a blowing?" but it all happens so fast that you're left thinking,

"what madness. quick and over and done with madness."

I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm in this spiraling boat that I don't have control of, but I am very conscience of. and I know it's happening so quickly, and will be over- but it's happening.

I am looking for childcare. I am filling out application after application after application for assistance. I am googling, researching, calling, wait-listing, interviewing, FREAKING OUT, and looking for childcare. I have been looking for a job. And I am also applying for scholarship after scholarship after scholarship, and after many, many weeks of all of this......I want the boat to stop.

I want to return to normalcy. Did I ever have that? I want to return to the place with no panic. The place where I don't have this heavy tug on my heart because I have to let go of the kids. The place where I can not feel guilty for putting on a show because I have a phone call to make, or an e-mail to send, or a resume to update. I want my boat to stop after all the crazy.

And I want to get off and get to lick the snauzberry on the wall. And drink the fiz drink that makes me so happy and giddy and lets me fly. And get my everlasting gobstopper. and then ride in an elevator that crashes out of a building's roof.

maybe I'll save that last one for a dream...

I just want my boat to stop.