Becky Wonka & Her Chocolate Factory

Just on a side note- every time I write/type chocolate, I have to say it in Spanish in my head to get the spelling right. It's one of those weird little quirks I have. Along with being obsessed with getting as many popcorn kernels to pop as I possibly can without burning the popcorn. Or trying to stab a crouton with my fork and not break it....anyone have some of those?

but back to where I started.

You know that scene in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory -and I am NOT talking about the version that Johnny Depp did (although I will say it was an interesting take on the original, but it's like holding a fake boob vs. a real one. you just know it's not quite the same. not that I have ever held a fake boob. or a real one. only checked for lumps.) I really am just straying here...

back to where I started. the scene in Charlie and The Chocolate (did it again) Factory where they are about to get on that boat in the chocolate (again) river and then everything goes all crazy and he starts talking faster and faster with the "is it raining? is it pouring? is the hurricane a blowing?" but it all happens so fast that you're left thinking,

"what madness. quick and over and done with madness."

I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm in this spiraling boat that I don't have control of, but I am very conscience of. and I know it's happening so quickly, and will be over- but it's happening.

I am looking for childcare. I am filling out application after application after application for assistance. I am googling, researching, calling, wait-listing, interviewing, FREAKING OUT, and looking for childcare. I have been looking for a job. And I am also applying for scholarship after scholarship after scholarship, and after many, many weeks of all of this......I want the boat to stop.

I want to return to normalcy. Did I ever have that? I want to return to the place with no panic. The place where I don't have this heavy tug on my heart because I have to let go of the kids. The place where I can not feel guilty for putting on a show because I have a phone call to make, or an e-mail to send, or a resume to update. I want my boat to stop after all the crazy.

And I want to get off and get to lick the snauzberry on the wall. And drink the fiz drink that makes me so happy and giddy and lets me fly. And get my everlasting gobstopper. and then ride in an elevator that crashes out of a building's roof.

maybe I'll save that last one for a dream...

I just want my boat to stop.