Session 2

Do y'all want to hear about my whole day, or just the part where Neil comes in?


I thought so.


After my first session with Neil last Wednesday, we had an appointment to meet on Friday. We met at 11:00 on Wednesday, so I figured we were meeting at 11:00 on Friday because that just makes sense. But for some reason, we were actually scheduled for 10:00. And that some reason was that I had requested to meet at 10:00 instead of 11:00. go figure. I have no rhyme or reason.


Needless to say, I missed my Friday appointment. Good news is, I hired a trainer who throws caution to the wind with his calendar as well, and he didn't show up either. I learned this when he called me apologizing on Monday for missing our appointment. I played all innocent and said,


"Damn it Neil! My body means nothing to you! NOTHING!"


I kid. I let him know that we both had goofed and it felt like a match made in heaven. Only now I'm thinking I need a responsible party in charge of my fitness regime. Maybe I'll crack the whip on him next week. If we show up.


Long story short. We rescheduled for today. At 11:00. I learn my lessons fast, people. We did lower body. Correction. I did lower body. Neil watched my pain that exists in his dojo. Things were going alright. As I warmed up, he casually asked if I knew what a burpee was.

Do I know what a burpee is? Please. I have three kids. I don't use them anymore for their intended purpose, but I have learned that you can strap one on the swiffer in place of one of Johnson & Johnson's disposables and it lasts a lot longer.

Wrong burpee.

I forget that Neil is not middle-aged with 3 kids. And that I am paying him because I am. Allow me to enlighten anyone who also has no idea what a burpee is. First off, it is not a word that you should ever want to hear come from your trainer's mouth. If they speak it, run. You're better off. Trust me.

Neil subtly throws in the next exercise by saying, "o.k. first you squat down, pop into a plank, do a push up, pop back into a squat, jump up arms raised and repeat. Ten times.

I turned around and he asked what I was looking for. "My rascal, you idiot."

I did it. And it hurt bad. Real bad. Then he had some other torture and it was back to the burpee. Seriously? AGAIN? But I didn't want to be the whiny client who says, "I'm fat. help me." and then quits. I stuck it out.

Y'all want to know just how hard it was? I threw up. I just said that I threw up. Just clarifying for y'alls sake and mine. I felt so sick when we were done with the second set, but I hung in there. Then he had me do 50 reps (four sets!) of different variations of ab work that about killed me. He did mention that I wasn't dead and "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" Thank you, Plato.

I didn't throw up at the gym. I beelined for the van and made it home thank goodness because I had to hang on to some piece of my dignity. Half way through the work-out I gave up and just went ahead and farted because I had to. He wasn't letting me go anywhere, and I already hated him at that point.

So, if you would like to picture me doing the burpee. I have found this for your viewing pleasure. The version our beloved Neil had me do is the one demonstrated at the end of the video, but she doesn't do the plyometric jump up from the squat position. That made it totally harder.

I'm Offering This On A Need To Know Basis.

O.k. We all get those e-mails that say you're going to explode if you read this and don't send it to 47 people in the next 2 minutes. And whatever. I'm still here.

But y'all know my fear of the cockroach. We go back. In fact, (ironically as I am typing), I am hearing a scurrying to my right. which all signs point to as cockroach. Thank you, Murphy. Your law does rule with an iron fist, again.

Anyhoo. I'm gonna type real fast to get up out of here and have Sebastian investigate the scurry. Though, I don't think cockroaches scurry at all. They stealth their way into your room and then act all ninja like you can't see them when you turn the lights on.

Hey, roach. Just because you're not moving doesn't mean that I think that you don't exist.

Read on if you lick your envelopes. Or don't. Just know I'm talking about cockroaches and your licking of envelopes. Your curiosity should be peaked.

Here is the e-mail I got. And if whoever sent it was doing it as a joke to scare me then guess what. Job well done.

CAUTIONOne day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...This is a true story reported on CNN.

Andy Hume wrote: Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads of cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes.

At Least I Don't Pay The Help

So the other day I made some bbq chicken with mashed potatoes. Sebastian surprised me by saying, "Don't worry about the dishes. I got em." I'm a clean-as-you-go cook, so usually what's left is whatever is holding the food.

Look what I found in the fridge the next morning.

That's about a tablespoon of mashed potatoes in a bowl of barbeque sauce. No chicken. Just sauce.

Know This.

I'm just gonna waltz in here like nobody's business and pick up like I never left off. I'll just toss you a salad of what's been going on, catch everyone up real quick, and it'll be like old times. Promise. ;0

Nursing school -

• Going well. A on every test. Not that (in the words of my former instructor) any patient "will ever ask you what your GPA was". Thank you. How about grad schools? Do they care? Cause I can underachieve it a bit if that's the case.
• Spent a whole day starting IVs in endoscopy. Just to clarify, a whole day was from 6:30 to 1:00 and I officially started 4. The one I didn't get was a screamer. She screamed just as I was sticking her and I retracted my needle, turned to my primary nurse and stated, "I don't do screamers." I don't know how I had the audacity to even speak those words, but it's the Gods honest truth. Lesson learned. Patients don't appreciate you ever-so-slowly advancing a needle into their arm. Apparently it hurts when you go slow. Whatever.
• I have this week and the next 3 weeks! off from clinical. Then I start my mental health rotation. what shall I do with myself but return to the blog.

The boys

• Anyone else's kids been sick since like.... December? It's been a cycle that has got to end. Today we got a cold front. yippee. great. just what we need around here. Although, we do need the rain. I just planted some calla bulbs. Yes, people. I'm going for it again this year. You cannot separate the necrosed thumb from this gardening wanna-be. It just hangs on every spring and recooperates over the remainder of the year.
• Sebi surprised me a few weeks ago by saying that 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8. He's my little math whiz. When asked what 6 + 6 was. "7." It's bigger, right? He totally gets it.
• Gabriel is getting really attached to me. He wants mommy to change his diaper and mommy to put him to bed and mommy for everything. He also gives me kisses when I leave him at school and that makes up for the extra pull on my end. That, and he did allow Homer to hog me for the first two years...
• Homer is developing an attitude. I'll leave it at that. If it weren't for his dashing looks, we'd have a problem on our hands.

The body

• My best friend, Angela told me that she gained weight in nursing school. I love to look back now on that conversation when I was sure that I would be the exception. "Not me." I'm gonna look better when I finish nursing school. I'm gonna look back and be all, "Look how fat I was when I started nursing school" Well people, if I keep on at this rate, I'll be looking back and thinking how skinny I was when I started nursing school. Hence, Neal.
• Neal is my new personal trainer. We "trained" today. I'm sure I'll have lots to say about him in the weeks to come (or further on down in the post), so I'll leave him be for now.

The gym

• Gold's is so inspirational. Posted on the door as you enter is a sign that reads, "Know that showing up is half the battle." Really? Because if you could send Neal over 30 minutes into my workout with that half the battle malarky, it might seem more real to me. Strutting into the gym was not hard. Neil's "cool down" was hard. 55 minutes into the workout, "Let's go ahead and cool down." That consisted of me getting on a stationary bike and peddling like there was a fire at my tail. Also, I was in the unfortunate position of being at the bottom of a hill with gail winds opposing my direction. Cool down my ass. Excuse my french.
• As you leave the gym, the door reads, "Know that you'll be back for more tomorrow." Sure I will. Me and the rascal I will ride in on.